Don’t try to be cool: 12 tips that’ll make you better at small talk than most

If you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of saying the wrong thing at a staff meeting or a friend’s housewarming party, you know just how easy it is to bungle small talk.

The commonplace interaction can be tricky to navigate, but is incredibly important to master. Small talk can help you bond with an evasive CEO or hard-to-please in-law.

This year, CNBC Make It interviewed dozens of experts about what to say, which questions to ask, and what key mistakes to avoid if you find yourself in a room of nonfriends.

Here are 12 of their best pieces of advice.

Every long-lasting connection, whether it be personal or professional, probably started with a benign comment, speech trainer John Bowe wrote for CNBC Make It.

Instead of focusing on saying something “deep” or “cool,” just make an observation about your surroundings. Saying “Do you know anyone here? I thought I’d know more people” or “What do you think of the venue?” is a risk-free way to get the conversation started.

“None of these openers are likely to win you the Pulitzer, but exchanging pleasantries doesn’t mean you’re being shallow or false,” he says. “You’re putting yourself out there. If your words aren’t wildly original, so what?”

Just because your question is low-risk doesn’t mean it has to be boring. There are easy ways to transform seemingly canned questions into more interesting inquiries, says Nicholas Epley, a psychology professor from the University of Chicago.

“It might seem hard to reframe questions in a way that’s vulnerable, but it’s actually pretty easy once you start looking for it,” she says.

Epley suggests the following swaps:

• Instead of “Are you married?” try, “Tell me about your family.”
• Instead of “Do you have any hobbies?” ask, “If you could learn anything, what would it be?”
• Instead of “Where did you go to high school?” ask, “What advice would you give a high schooler?”
• Instead of “Where are you from?” ask, “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”

It’s easy to get caught up thinking “Am I being awkward?” or “Does the other person like me?” These inner commentaries can distract from actually engaging with the other person Bowe says.

“You’ve asked this person for their attention; now give them yours,” Bowe says. “Concentrate on what they’re saying and try to intuit why they’re saying it.”

People who are good at small talk use “support responses,” Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communications expert, wrote last year.

When someone is telling a story, a person adept at small talk will respond in a way that shows they want to know more. Let’s say a co-worker is talking about their annoying roommate. The opposite of a support response is a “shift response” which is when you direct the conversation back to yourself.

A support response would be to ask about how they met their roommate or how long they’ve lived together. A shift response would be to talk about your own bad roommate experience.

Being good at small talk usually means having a high emotional intelligence. One thing those with a high EQ understand is that body language is just as important as spoken words, Abrahams says.

“People who have a higher EQ are more open in their posture, they are nodding more,” Abrahams says.

Another mark of a person with high emotional intelligence is they are able to read the vibe of a conversation and match that energy. This tool, called mirroring, can be helpful during small talk.

Take note of the other person’s tone and facial expression. If they are excitedly telling you about their day, your response should reflect that sentiment.

Small talk isn’t the time to deliver hard truths. Regardless of whether you agree or relate to another person, you want to make them feel heard and seen.

You can do this by asking them more questions about themselves, Abrahams says, and giving more “backchannel” responses, like “uh-huh” and “I see.”

Small talk is also not the time to solve the world’s problems. Abortion, banned books, vaccines — all these topics are taboo and best avoided.

“If you gravitate towards those topics later on, great,” Bowe says. “But for starters, aim for something simple and close at hand that you and the other person can observe together.”

Veteran TV journalist SuChin Pak has interviewed some of the biggest pop culture icons including Britney Spears and Oprah. It’s rare, she says, to not know what to say to someone. When it happens, she has a “secret” for making small talk that anyone can use.

Her biggest tip for keeping a conversation going no matter the setting? “Always have a few questions in your back pocket that work for everyone,” she told CNBC Make It.

Her top two favorite questions to ask new acquaintances are: “What do you want people to get out of what you’re doing?” and “How did you start doing X?”

An easy way to flatter someone while making small talk without offering up an outright compliment is to ask them for advice.

A series of studies from Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania found that we like people who ask for our guidance more than people who wish us well. This is we tend to think, “They were smart to ask for my advice because I am smart.”

The topic doesn’t have to be profound. Let’s say you’re moving apartments soon. An easy way to make conversation and flatter the other person is to ask someone “How did you decide on which movers to use?”

Don’t hop into any conversation, Bowe says. If someone is telling a very animated story, it’s best not to chime in. “First, wait for a lull,” he says. “Then once you have someone’s attention and, ideally, receive a non-verbal go-ahead, that’s your chance.”

Phones are constantly notifying us with items that aren’t very urgent. You can probably go an hour without checking who texted you or the latest breaking headline. It might be smart to silence your notifications before entering a situation where you need to be present or attentive.

“If you’re talking to someone, talk to them,” Bowe says. “Don’t stare at the floor or look over their shoulder at another person. Put your phone away. Be present and give them your full attention.”

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